Today is special to me. The Monday after Mother’s Day. On that day, in 2013 I was told that I was facing a new battle. Cancer.

At the time I had 13% kidney function and was awaiting a second transplant, but because of this diagnosis, I no longer qualified and was removed from the program.

I asked to use the bathroom.

There I sank to my knees on the tile floor and stared in silence for a moment, inhaled pure Holy Spirit, and started the fight. One breath at a time by grace alone.

Sometimes the real battle is in the mind. I didn’t know why this was all happening. And I still don’t after hearing a thousand reasonable opinions. The weakest answer of “I don’t know” is the hardest place to stand and remain standing. But that is where I was and where I am.

I don’t know. But He does, and He is good.

What followed was 480 hours of 5 different chemotherapies, 4 blood transfusions, and nausea. I fought a vicious herpes virus that manifested as eye infections and boils, leading to rectal surgery to cauterize hemorrhoids. The pain was excruciating. I lost my hair, I lost 35 pounds, I forgot how to fall asleep, I had heinous nightmares, I went through chemically induced menopause. My skin was covered with warts. I thought I was at the end…in fact I was.

With half the cancer still in my lymph system, and no more treatment options, my body was dying. God stepped into my broken life and said “Live!”.

He took away the cancer and began to restore me back to strength. My kidney was still struggling. The transplant that is half an inch away from the cancer He miraculously removed. I don’t know why.

Then six months later, they discovered another tumor in my uterus and a spot on my lung. They said, “If it is cancer, it is stage four.” I had a hysterectomy. The pathology came back clean. I don’t know why I had that surgery, and gained 75 pounds, received 48 more hours of chemo, suffered from neuropathy in my legs, hands and feet, a broken foot, distorted vision, and depression.

My prayers were just two words. “God, please.”

I was so tired. So weak. Completely empty.

But, God began to restore me. It took three years….maybe four. My kidney function rebounded to 20%. WIth much love, He healed my mind and restored my emotions. My hair came back, my strength returned, I even began to sleep soundly and peacefully through the night. My legs and hands have healed, my feet have not. The pain and loss were gradually put behind me. I began to live again.

I was held secure to the end in the love of my husband. The prayers of God’s people broke through for me. YOU broke through for me.

I celebrate today, the Monday after Mother’s Day, by letting my thoughts delight in all the things I would not have seen, touched or tasted. People who I would not have known…had cancer won. But it lost. “Cancer could not survive me.”

I think about many new friends, starting a new children’s ministry at Life Bible Church, Awana, trips to India, London, and Peru. Going to New York with Destiny, songs Caleb has played, my darling daughters Sarah and Amber, Avery’s inventions, Elty’s crazy videos, Christmas with family, moving to Texas. And hours upon hours of Elton.

My heart is grateful for the intensity of my companionship with God. It was birthed in heartache, but when the heart heals, if it’s allowed to heal, the intimacy with Him remains. A gift.

Maybe you wonder if I would fight to live if I faced cancer again. My answer is yes. I am willing to fight, even to do chemo if need be. It is honestly not because I am so strong, but because I know how to be weak.

I have been weak before and I can do it again.

The moment I find myself there, I will be safe in His strong arms that never let go. I don’t live in a perfect body. I hurt a lot and struggle to keep up, I’m still waiting on that kidney healing, but that is life down here…for everyone. I know that I want to be here. I want to live and grow and become. I choose to stay until my work is done. Until my love is done. Then I can go home.

In our quest to bring Him glory, it is our beautifully imperfect weakness that best puts Him on display.

 

 

PS: Thank you to my dear family and my steadfast friends, especially Elton, for all you have done to see me through the season of sickness. I love you! We won!!!