Four months into my cancer treatment I had a PET scan.  It is like a lot of the scans you can get these days. They put you on your back with your arms above your head. You glide slowly in and out of a tube accompanied by a whirling sound while a laser takes your picture. Something like that anyway. At the beginning, a voice tells you to breathe normally.

Breathe normally?. How about just breathe. I forgot what normal was. I’m fighting cancer and my heart keeps stopping.

Before I went into the test, I forgot to ask a very important question. This was a serious oversight on my part and had tremendous bearing on my peace of mind.

I didn’t need to ask if the technician was qualified. I’d spent almost an hour with him prepping for the test and I was quite sure he knew what he was doing.

I didn’t need to ask if the test was going to end. He told me some of the things I was going to do when it was over.

I did need to ask this. “How long is this test going to take?”

Yes. I really wished I had that little piece of information while I glided silently in and out. It felt like forever. It would have gone faster if I had known.

Is this cancer going to last a year, or two? If only I had asked how long. It would have made a difference to me. “How Long Lord?” I guess He doesn’t answer that one.

After gliding and listening to whirling for a while, I heard a voice speak. “The remainder of this test will be completely silent. I assure you, it is working all the way through.” The voice stopped. The whirling stopped.

I guess he still knows I’m in here. He’s talking to me. That’s good.

I wonder if it was a recording. I bet a lot of people think this thing is broken when the whirling stops. I must be just like everyone else who has ever taken this test. I’m pretty predictable I guess.

The gliding in and out continued. It seriously felt like the thing was broken. I felt silly just lying there.

I wonder if people panic and try to get out. Hmmm. Am I going to panic? No, I won’t let myself do something like that. I’m not that predictable.

I wonder how long this test is. Am I half way done or just getting started?

I sure wish he would speak again. It is reassuring. Even if I can’t ask any questions, it just helps when I hear something other than my own thoughts. I miss the whirling.

Silence is… silent.

I thought back on what he had said, “The test is working all the way through.” Not a single minute of this is wasted time. The test is working.

“God? Is this test working? I don’t know what you are testing me on. Am I passing or failing? What is the subject matter? How do you grade? What if I get to the end and I didn’t get it? God, why do I have cancer?” Oh, no. Don’t cry in here.

“I know you know what you are doing, but I’m not sure if I know what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m just laying here with my arms up. I’m lying still. I’m breathing.”  I wonder if it’s almost over.

Does it say in the Bible that God will not allow me to be tested beyond what I am able?

No. That’s not it. Tempted is the word, not tested. What is the difference between being tempted and being tested? If I ever get out of here, I’m going to look it up. I need to see both definitions side by side. How long do tests last?

“Just ’till they’re done,” He said.

God? Is that you? I guess he still knows I’m in here. He’s talking to me. That’s good. When I heard His voice I stopped caring how long the test was.

“I test what I put inside you. I prove the work I have done. Why would I test beyond that?”

“You test someone when you hope they will pass. You tempt someone when you hope they will fail. I temp no man. I test them. Just wanted to make that clear.”

They did finally let me out. I went home and searched the scripture for answers to the questions in my heart.

“Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone.” James 4:17. Then He said, “Heather, don’t test Me. Trust Me.”

I don’t have to hope God will pass a test of His goodness in my life. I don’t have to wonder if He is going to keep His word. He is going to keep His word.

The first test mentioned in the Bible reads like this, “Now it came to pass after these things that God tested Abraham, and said to him, “Abraham!” And he said, “Here I am.”

“Oh, God! Here I am! Here I am! Lying here.

Here I am enduring. Longing. Waiting.

Not for some test to end, but for Your Spirit to descend. Here I am.

If you need me, here I am. I’m not going to panic and try to get out.

If you make me dwell in silence, I will yearn for your voice but I will stay where you put me.

Here I am. Test me.

 

Scriptures about Testing…

Exodus 20:20 “Do not fear; for God has come to test you, and that His fear may be before you, so that you may not sin.”

Deuteronomy 8:2 “the Lord your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.”

Deuteronomy 13:3 “for the Lord your God is testing you to know whether you love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul.”

1 Chronicles 29:17” I know also, my God, that You test the heart and have pleasure in uprightness.”

Psalm 7:9 “Oh, let the wickedness of the wicked come to an end, but establish the just; For the righteous God tests the hearts and minds.”

Psalm 66:10 “For You, O God, have tested us; You have refined us as silver is refined.”

Zechariah 13:9 “I will bring the one–third through the fire, will refine them as silver is refined, And test them as gold is tested. They will call on My name, And I will answer them. I will say, ‘This is My people’; And each one will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’”

God is still testing in the New Testament

1 Thessalonians 2:4 “We speak as those approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts.”

Hebrews 11:4 “By faith Abel offered to God a more excellent sacrifice than Cain, through which he obtained witness that he was righteous, God testifying of his gifts; and through it he being dead still speaks.”

God testifying of his gifts! God tested his righteousness and found it to be certain, so He can testify of it.

Hebrews 11:5 “By faith Enoch was taken away so that he did not see death, “and was not found, because God had taken him”; for before he was taken he had this testimony, that he pleased God.”

God tested Him and found Him pleasing, so it was testified of him.

1 Peter 5:12 “By Silvanus, our faithful brother as I consider him, I have written to you briefly, exhorting and testifying that this is the true grace of God in which you stand.”

Is it the true grace of God in which you stand? Perhaps with a test, it will be so said of you, and so said of me.